Wednesday, December 10, 2014

I hate nice girls - Hachiman Hikigaya


I hate nice girls.
If they so much as say hello, it stays on my mind.
If they return texts, my heart races.
The day one calls me, I know I'll look at my call history and grin.
But that's just them being nice.
People who are nice to me are also nice to everyone else.
I almost end up forgetting that.
If the truth is cruel , then lies must be kind.
That's why kindness is a lie.
I gave up on always expecting it,
always mistaking it,
and even hoping for it.
Someone who's' worked so hard at being alone doesn't fall for the
same trick twice.
I'm a veteran at this.
I’m the best when it comes to losing.
That's why I'll always hate nice girls.

Tuesday, December 9, 2014

Life is Crap.

I've come to a conclusion recently, something that has been weighing on my mind for a while now. I've realized, I'm BORING. My life is boring. I've spent so much time worrying about what others might think of me, and I've used it as a crutch. For example, let's say there's this girl that i think is cute, instead of talking to her i will just stress myself out over what she would think of me if i ask her out, and fearing a rejection so much that i never take a leap of faith. And God forbid if she isn't Mormon (me and my whole family are Mormon FYI), because then i make up the excuse that my family wouldn't approve of that, and stress about it more. But that's CRAP. Why should i care so much about what other people say about me? The more I think about it, the more i realize that I have always been willing to change my point of view based off of people around me. It has influenced things in my life like school and work, even my very name. Growing up every one called me by my middle name, when i got to high school there were too many kids named Justin around, so i stopped telling teachers that it was my name and just started using my first name. Honestly i always liked my first name, but because people were accustomed to calling me Justin i wouldn't change it. And i could lie and say that i started using my first name because i like it more, but it was so others wouldn't be at an inconvenience. Even to this day i respond to whatever name people call me. It's so stupid, even as i write this i'm having internal conflicts about wether or not i should be more assertive and stop adjusting to everyone's needs because it might cause confrontation.

Monday, May 27, 2013

The Dragon Slayers. Introducing Kalayo

My friends and i are Starting a dungeons and dragons campaign, and so i plan to document our progress here in this blog I've had sitting untouched for ages.  i will start by just posting my character back story here and a summary of the sessions event. since i am the bard of the party i wanted to write this through his eyes. so i introduce you now to Kalayo Baalem.



     My name is Kalayo Baalem. I am a Tiefling. I was born in a dark and deceitful world twenty three years ago. My mother passed away at the time of my birth. She too was Tiefling. My father was afraid that if people knew he had fathered a devil people would shun him, or kill me. For the first 14 years of my life we lived in the woods. My father would hunt, and he taught me how to use a bow. We had almost all we needed out there, but occasionally my father would travel to the city. I always loved his stories upon returning. It seemed to me that the city was a magical place with new sounds and smells. I craved to travel there. I desired nothing more. So I made a plan.
Late one night when my father had returned from the city I slipped out. It wasn't difficult, father was always drunken on the night of his return and would often retire early to bed. The journey seemed to take an eternity, and i was afraid that I would not make it back before father awoke. I almost turned back till I heard a sound come down the road, I took hiding into a bush. The sound got closer. It was like the roar of a bear mixed with the crack of flint. Then I saw it, 4 beasts running from a cart carrying humans. My young mind instantly knew they were horses, I remember my father describing them to me in his tales. I followed the path the horses trod until I crested a hill.
There it was. My destination in all it’s grandure. The city of Tigbauan. I never planned to enter the walls that night, but I was a bug attracted to the flame. Something beyond my power drew me in. I found a small opening in the wall where the river entered the city, and so I too made my way in stealthily. It was dark out, with a very few candle lit windows dotting the streets. I mostly stuck to the shade not knowing what to expect. Not knowing how to talk to people, or how they would talk  to  me. Every now and then a cloaked person might wander by, or a drunk man would be heaved into the muddy streets. I eventually passed into sleep, forgetting my former fear of how my father would react.
The next morning I was awoken by the great noises that frequent a place fo trade. It was wonderful, quite different from the chirpings of the forest, the city was a drum, and intricate beats all interacting together driving it forward to progression. 
As I wandered, lost in the tapestry  of this new world I stumbled over a bucket of apples. There was a  girl about my age that had been selling them, “Oooh! Why don’ you watch wh’re y’re goin’?” she said.
“I’m sorry! I’ll fix it!” I said as I picked up my humiliation. I cleaned in a hurry, and gave the bucket back to the girl. “I’m Kalayo,” I stated, “who are you?”
“Jess”
“Well where are you goin with those?”
“I will sell them at the market. Honestly, I’ve never heard of a dumb Tiefling before.”
“Are there more Tieflings here?”
“There are a few.”
“I’ve never met one before.”
At that moment a voice called out, “Jess! Get away from him.” A woman came up to her and grabbed Jess by the arm. “You know he’s beneath you.”
“What do you mean by that?” I said.
“I mean you are a second class citizen; you shouldn’t even be near this market!”
“I’m sorry; I am not accustomed to your ways. I grew up in the nearby woods, and this is my first time to the city.” A plan began to develop in my head. “You see, my mother died at my birth and my father raised me alone, but he recently passed on,” I lied. “I was hoping to find a place here in the city to work for my daily bread.” I don’t fully understand how this worked, but I seemed to soften the old bat’s heart. She advised me to go to the “pit”, and that I could find someone there to take me apprentice and teach me an art. She even let Jess escort me there.
Jess, somewhat begrudgingly began to walk off stopping for a second to make sure I was following. I ran to catch up to her and said, “Well it looks like I got you the day off, what would you like to do now?” She was silent. “You don’t actually think my father is dead do you? I can assure you that I am in no need of employment.”
“Are you mad!?” she exclaimed, “My mother would kill me if I spent time with you.”
“Well she doesn’t have to know, it can be our little secret.”
Jess just gave a small nod as a smile broke across her face. That day was a memorable one, we ran in the streets, she taught me a few games, and I picked some bread and cream for us to eat. It wasn’t until dusk that I realized my folly. My father would be furious when he found I was gone.
“I must leave for now, but I promise I will return.”
“You’d better.” Was the response I merited upon my departure. And with that I was off. I ran the whole way to our campsite, but upon arrival I was not greeted with anger, nor with blows or reprimand; I was left with a bow and a knife, a loaf of bread and a sack of water. No words of love or tears of remorse. Deep down I always knew my father was ashamed of me. He may have regretted leaving me alive after the death of my mother. And now that an opportunity had presented itself, he took it.
I stayed in that campsite for a week hoping for his return. The bread only lasted a day and a half, and I was afraid to venture out to find him. After my young heart had been broken, I dried up my tears, and set forth on the path back to Tigbauan.
Inside the city again I found Jess. We made a plan and she snuck out of her house to meet with me that night. That night was the first time I kissed a girl. I was wrapped around her finger, and she was wrapped in mine.
The next day, I went to the “pits” and found an elfin mage named Tobus willing to hire an assistant. We were to leave Tigbauan the next day to begin our journey. How was I supposed to tell Jess that I might not see her again? I went to her window to talk to her. And inside told her that I was leaving. I rehearsed to her a lyric I had written for that night, and at the time, the words rang true in my heart, and I had full confidence that I would follow them.
In the quiet misty morning
When the moon has gone to bed,
When the sparrows stop their singing
And the sky is clear and red,
When the summer's ceased its gleaming
When the corn is past its prime,
When adventure's lost its meaning -
I'll be homeward bound in time
If you find it's me you're missing
If you're hoping I'll return,
To your thoughts I'll soon be listening,
And in the road I'll stop and turn
Then the wind will set me racing
As my journey nears its end
And the path I'll be retracing
When I'm homeward bound again
I never did return to see her. She had probably moved on by the time I was able to return to Tigbauan, and my ideals had changed by then thanks to Tobus. I had experienced those same feelings for others, and I realized it was just lust. Love was a game, a fairytale told to children to give them hope in a world designed to shatter dreams.
My time with Tobus was enlightening. He was a peculiar fellow, especially for an elf.  His hair was often unkempt, and he smelled heavily of the herbs he used to “meditate” and increase his “natural abilities.” He began to teach me the secrets of arcane magic, but it did not come easily to me. It was a challenge to cast even the most simple of prestidigitations. To counter this he had me study the stories of old and I enjoyed my time reading as well as the stories of the heroes. My favorite heros were those that tricked their opponent, or outsmarted the system. One of my favorites was the story of the king presented with a child with two women claiming to be its mother, so the king being wise summoned for a sword and said ‘We will split the child in two and each woman can have a half’ the true mother said the other woman could have the babe. And thus she was rewarded. Every chance I got I would read these stories and memorize them, occasionally writing lyrics to reiterate the tale.
 It wasn’t long before Tobus had given up hope of me becoming a mage. Until one day while I was on an errand for him. I left my journal open, and he caught my writings out of the corner of his eye. When I returned he had a gift for me. It was a lute. He taught me a few basic chords and told me to focus my energy as I was playing this simple melody. I began to play, and a burst of arcane energy was released knocking over his studying table. He continued to teach me magic in this way for the next year, and after that year he said that he had taught me all he knew of music and told me I must continue my study alone. He gave me a scimitar to protect myself with and taught me that every blade has a song; that I should learn the song of every weapon I hold, and of every friend I make.
So I began my journey in the world. I frequented many a tavern on my road, and laid with many women. Each of them I left with a promise of return.
Recently, I have begun to have dreams. I see fire and cane taste the brimstone in my mouth. I hear voices that I cannot understand. In these dreams I feel that a greater power is calling me, but it is not Correllon. There is no art or beauty that I can interpret from these visions. That is why I start this journal. I will write my own ballad, and hopefully make peace with the demons that haunt my soul.

Saturday, September 1, 2012

DAY 1

alright. today is the official start of the 30 day challenge. today's task is for me to tell everyone in internet world of 5 nicknames i've had. that seems really boring, so i will mabey tell you some stories of how these names came to pass.

1. EF-EX. this was one of the first nicknames i had. it originated from me and a few friends making movies called "The Dork Club" and we each had nicknames in the movie that we would go by. so mine was EF-EX. short for special fx. so while filming if we required a seen of a blizzard we might have two of our actors on camera, meanwhile i am off camera throwing snowballs and making a "Whhhooooooshhh" noise. and we never kept secrets from our audience/ ourselves, so of course, the camera would pan over and show me doing this.

2. Tank. this name was given to me as a freshman in high school. during football practice one of the seniors gave me the name, "because i moved like a tank" steady and unstoppable. that's right, i'm a Bad-A. this nickname however only lasted about 2 months.

3. Coach. this nickname also came from football. as i progressed through high school my size made it hard for me to compete physically with the other players. but for what i lacked in size, i made up for in brains. i always had the answers the coaches wanted, so he decided to call me coach.

4. Chan. this came from me being lazy. i grew up always being called by my middle name, Justin. but in high school i decided that i actually liked my first name, and didn't like being in a class every time known as Justin C, because you know, Justin is just super original nowadays. so i began going by Sterling. however, this confused a crap ton of people who have known me since before this change. so some of the ladies liked calling me Chan, from Chandler. my last name. and now everyone is confused.

5. Charmandler. this one is obviously a combination of my last name and one of the coolest pokemon ever. pikachu. na i'm just kidding, it's not pikachu. it's charmander. and if you don't know who that is you can get a life. NERD! i got this name cuz i can straight up breath fire.

Thursday, August 30, 2012

30 DAY CHALLENGE

So, september starts tomorrow. and with that i am begining a 30 day challenge. this means, you get to learn something about me every day!!!!! the idea came to me from a my friend kitty inviting me to do this with her. she said

"Yes, it is true. I've decided to do another 30 day challenge! I know I'm not very good at keeping up with them but alas, I am narcissistic and love to talk about myself. So without further ado, here is the new challenge. Anyone brave enough to do it with me?"
then latter she said"Since 30 days has September, I will be officially starting this on September 1st. And hopefully I can keep up. Wish me luck! Also, everyone should do this with me! =)"

she kinda likes these things, and since i'm a new blogger i figured this would be a fun interesting way to start a blog.

now i'll post a list of the 30 days (so i don't forget).

Day 1: 5 nicknames you've had.
Day 2: 5 talents you have.
Day 3: 5 secrets about your childhood.
Day 4: 5 places you never want to visit.
Day 5: 5 things currently to your right.
Day 6: 5 things you wish you could tell yourself last year.
Day 7: 5 things you want to ask your future self.
Day 8: 5 foods you will never get tired of.
Day 9: 5 things that make you cry.
Day 10: 5 things you like about yourself.
Day 11: 5 items you wish you had.
Day 12: 5 things you've done today.
Day 13: 5 favorite things in your closet/room.
Day 14: 5 things that make you happy.
Day 15: 5 things you want to say to 5 different people but cant.
Day 16: 5 thoughts you believe that people think when they first meet you.
Day 17: 5 songs you will never get tired of.
Day 18: 5 annoying habits you have.
Day 19: 5 shows you have seen every episode of.
Day 20: 5 things you learned in school that you will never use.
Day 21: 5 items that mean a lot to you.
Day 22: 5 things you are thinking of at this moment.
Day 23: 5 things you are afraid of and why.
Day 24: 5 ideas you have/had for your (future) wedding.
Day 25: 5 careers you wanted growing up and why.
Day 26: 5 pets you've had.
Day 27: 5 material things that you "cant" live without.
Day 28: 5 all time favorite movies.
Day 29: 5 things you find entertaining that your friends find boring.
Day 30: 5 ways you hope to change the world.
  

alright, i think that does it for today. keep checkin back and see what you can learn about me.

oh, and if you feel like learning about kitty, here's her link http://30thingsin30days.blogspot.com/
CHARMANDLER OUT

Sunday, August 19, 2012

Charmandler I Choose You!

Hey everyone/ anyone who happens to stumble upon this. I've been contemplating starting a blog for quite a while now. This blog is going to be more of a way for me to compose my life. A way to get some of my personal experiences and opinions out there. So as you read this expect stories, beliefs, music and book reviews, and basically anything that interests me. if you ever have an idea or something you would like me to write about just let me know and i'll do my best to dazzle you with a response. so i think that this is all for now. peace out everybody.

Charmandler Return!