I hate nice girls - Hachiman Hikigaya

I hate nice girls.

If they so much as say hello, it stays on my mind.

If they return texts, my heart races.

The day one calls me, I know I'll look at my call history and grin.

But that's just them being nice.

People who are nice to me are also nice to everyone else.

I almost end up forgetting that.

If the truth is cruel , then lies must be kind.

That's why kindness is a lie.

I gave up on always expecting it,

always mistaking it,

and even hoping for it.

Someone who's' worked so hard at being alone doesn't fall for the

same trick twice.

I'm a veteran at this.

I’m the best when it comes to losing.

That's why I'll always hate nice girls.

Life is Crap.

I've come to a conclusion recently, something that has been weighing on my mind for a while now. I've realized, I'm BORING. My life is boring. I've spent so much time worrying about what others might think of me, and I've used it as a crutch. For example, let's say there's this girl that i think is cute, instead of talking to her i will just stress myself out over what she would think of me if i ask her out, and fearing a rejection so much that i never take a leap of faith. And God forbid if she isn't Mormon (me and my whole family are Mormon FYI), because then i make up the excuse that my family wouldn't approve of that, and stress about it more. But that's CRAP. Why should i care so much about what other people say about me? The more I think about it, the more i realize that I have always been willing to change my point of view based off of people around me. It has influenced things in my life like school and work, even my very name. Growing up every one called me by my middle name, when i got to high school there were too many kids named Justin around, so i stopped telling teachers that it was my name and just started using my first name. Honestly i always liked my first name, but because people were accustomed to calling me Justin i wouldn't change it. And i could lie and say that i started using my first name because i like it more, but it was so others wouldn't be at an inconvenience. Even to this day i respond to whatever name people call me. It's so stupid, even as i write this i'm having internal conflicts about wether or not i should be more assertive and stop adjusting to everyone's needs because it might cause confrontation.